defeat.
I woke up feeling defeated.
and it just remained throughout the day.
somehow I forgot the victory hope or any optimism that I carried, I lost the inspiration, the encouragement, the contentment. I let myself be defeated….I allowed my weaknesses to be weak, and I allowed my sins to overcome me. I fell weak to my knees and allowed the enemy to take over.
I just honestly let my unreached goals get to me, my regrets cloud my gratitude.
yea..it’s again…been one of the those days.
(I have to apologize for writing so much, but it does take a true gut to really take time and read this, I applaud you guys. haha)
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In the beginning of winterbreak, I watched sermons and read blogs. and it really made me think and second think thoughts….and I feel so ashamed.
Last night I realized the miracle I had during my finals (the miracle I practically called my sister and told her every single detail) turned out to a be a test. A test I failed. I was so focused on my final that the thought of one question blurred in my head. “What do you think about Jesus?” Honestly that was the first time I was ever approached by a stranger talking about Jesus, asking me a question. I’ve been so sheltered and just experiencing talks like this has always been in the church or with church friends. Possibly the reason why I don’t get approached randomly like this, is that I try to avoid them…because I simply feel unprepared.
I decided to study outside and get some fresh air, enjoy nature because I was getting an extreme headache under a cubicle in the library. 30 minutes had past and this random girl just came and wanted to talk to me. Honestly? the moment she came to me I was annoyed because I just wanted to study and not talk. She asked me that one simple question about Jesus. and my response? “uh…I think he’s good. and definitely the Savior.” that’s it. That’s it.
fail.
It took me a week and a half to fully understand that I had failed my very first test. Before that week, I was praising the Lord for being by my side during finals and really listening to my prayers. But, in actuality he gave me His own test; the test on actually building up a Christ like relationship, a test to see how prepared you were if you were to face the real world, a test to if you could actually use the Word of God to multiply Christ-like followers.
What I wish so hard to say to her was that He changed my life. My entire life, and because of that I can humbly say I walk in His light, doing things only for His glory. and He IS the only thing that brings me peace. I wished I had told her the miracles that He’d performed in my life, the blessings He’s given me and how I am known by Him. That He knows me and loves me and He is love. I wish I could tell her all the weaknesses I possessed but how that just makes me stronger….
We had a good conversation about Christ. But in any way, I regret not telling her in detail what I think of Jesus, what He did and how He loves and makes me feel complete.
……and for that I feel defeated.
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My grades turned out to be ok. Not awful awful, but enough to bring up the feeling “I know I could do better.”
My parents took it quite well, and it’s either because they convinced themselves that it’s just the first semester of college and they know that I’ll be better. or deep, deep down, they’re very scared for me and worried and have lack of hope but for now just want to encourage me. I see the second thought from my dad, honestly I never really expected him to really feel hopeful in me. He’s always thought I was an idealist, sometimes my sister too. Both of them really make me second guess things and really make me feel a bit low and doubt myself even though I know they want the best. My mom on the other hand has the greatest hope and confidence in me. It was a bit overwhelming and it kind of makes me wonder if I can really do it, the person who I really want to be. A physician. so then again I second guess myself.
But with these grades, it seems like Dad and my sister are getting the points.
But in all honestly, I’m still sticking with the plan. because I just have this unexplainable feeling.
but I just feel defeated.
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Just thinking about the first test about the girl approaching me on finals week and after reading this blog post a friend of me wrote that he experienced, really got me thinking how I have so much to learn and am so far behind. Even 18 years of growing up in a church, I feel like I just started being serious in the first semester of college and I honestly feel like I’m running out of time, learning the Word of God.
Because of this defeat feeling, I couldn’t even bring myself to write. Even if I do write, I can’t write because of my fear of judgement, my lack of confidence and somehow I just get intimidated by people reading my stuff real easy. I don’t want them to get the wrong impression. and that this blog is just purposely writing my thoughts not fall in to depression or anything.
I feel like I’m ALWAYS lost in words. When people approach me, when the religion gets brought up in classrooms, in playgrounds, in parties, I feel so quiet and reserved because I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO SAY. and from that, it really doesn’t matter if I truly believe because people cannot even see that if I don’t have the right words to bring people closer to my Father. How can I possibly multiply and make discipleship if my mouth and my presence feel awkward in these kinds of situations?
Once again, defeated.
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At this point, I feel like I can’t do anything. my whole optimism has ran away at this night..
and I’m really letting my weakness to be weak and it’s really bumming me out.
